My life with my mother hasn't always been easy. As a child I felt like I was always second best to my older sister and fighting to be seen. As a teenager I felt like I was being controlled and misunderstood by my mother. I wasn't a homebody like my older sibling but rather wanted to get out, go away to school, see the world around me. It wasn't until I went away to college, 700 miles away from home, that the real connection with my mother began.
My mother wrote me every week while I was at school giving me all the details and happenings at home. Most of the letters were depressing since my family was struggling financially during the recession of the 90's, my parents were married but barely, and my younger siblings were slipping into trouble......fast. I still looked forward to that connection each week and longed for the breaks when I could go home. My mom became my rock and anchor during my battles of homesickness, boyfriend drama, roommate issues, and the day to day life of a typical young adult.
I married in 1998, 2 years after I graduated from Brigham Young University and my parents divorced soon after. My family breaking apart was devastating to me and I struggled with how to love both of my parents amidst the anger at both of them for not making it work. It's been years since then and I'm happy to see my father remarried but my heart aches for my mother for I know she is so lonely and longs for companionship.
When my husband graduated from BYU in 2001 we moved back to Southern California and my mom was elated to have her grand baby so close to her. She just adored my first son Jacob and has adored the next 6 grandchildren that have come since (not all of them mine!). My mother longs to have her children and grandchildren connected with her and she made it a priority to have Sunday dinners together. We have since moved a little farther away and can't make every Sunday dinner but the tradition continues. I know without that weekly meal together my siblings wouldn't have the connection we do today.
My mother doesn't live alone but has my 3 younger siblings living there too. My brother with his girlfriend and his 8 year old daughter, my sister who is paralyzed from the waist down, and my youngest brother who is going to college and working. My mom feels the responsibility to take care of everybody and feels that burden quite heavily.
A couple years ago my mom started to feel shooting pains, muscle spasms, and muscle atrophy in her right hand. She saw many doctors and specialists and finally was diagnosed with a rare disease that mostly Asian men have. She had lost most of the strength in her hand making writing, holding things, typing, etc very difficult for her. She's been devastated since her livelihood as a payroll/bookkeeper relies heavily on her writing and typing. The worry for how to provide for herself and help out the kids living with her weighed heavily on her. But true to form, my mom said she'll just get used to using her left hand and she'll make it through it.
About 9 months ago the shooting pains started in her left hand. This was not a good sign. She made an appointment with her doctor who referred her right away to the neurologist. After an MRI, a diagnosis was made and it was that my mom has ALS, also known as Lou Gherig's Disease. The average person with ALS after diagnosis lives 3-5 years.
It was a Sunday morning the end of July that my mom called me. She said she finally got the results of her MRI and was glad to finally know what was happening to her body. Honestly, I thought she had MS and I was prepared for that diagnosis. When she said "Loug Gherig's Disease" my heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach. I started to cry immediately and then asked a bunch of questions: "What's the prognosis? Is there medication for it? How fast do they think it will progress?........" My heart broke then and still breaks today every time I see the struggles my mom has and when I think about the future.
I started this blog so that I can share the experiences and feelings that I have while on this journey. There may never be anyone but me that reads this. It doesn't really matter. Just writing down the feelings and love I have for my mother will help me always remember her and the bravery she has.
I started this blog so that I can share the experiences and feelings that I have while on this journey. There may never be anyone but me that reads this. It doesn't really matter. Just writing down the feelings and love I have for my mother will help me always remember her and the bravery she has.
